Nothing to think, nowhere to go and no feelings to....
He has been there for a very very long time.
At first, I dont know if I should love him or I should hate him. At first, I thought he is the most understanding man in the world that I've ever met. He talked to me and persuaded me to beleive in things, like this is good and this is bad, that I should do this and I should not do that. And many other things. When I found anything among what he told me is not really right according to my point of view and told him that I think this is not good or something against him and not following his ideas, he could be angry, very angry and no less than one time, he bit me black and blue. He said only what he said and thought is right is right! The rest or any other would be wrong. He doesnt care if I would feel or think the same or not. It hurted and hurts, a lot! Everybody around him has to follow him and his idea, no matter how bad it is, no matter how nonsence it is and no matter how wrong it is. If any doesnt? He would be so angry and he said that person is a bad person, very bad! And if he could, he would hit that person with anything in his hand at that time, a knife, a chair, or a bottle of wine, or even just the dishes on the dining table when everybody is having dinner together. If he doesnt have anything hard or just to hold to hit that person, he would use his hands to slap, to hold the person and throw that person to any where he could, to the bed, to the wall, or just to drop off to the ground in a violent way which is hard enough to hurt that person. I remember there was one time, I was at Grade 2, meaning I was about 7 years old that I forgot to complete my homework for school. When he found out, he was angry that he slaped me and the slap was so hard that my blood came out from my mouth and my lips swelled up so badly that I could not go to school for next 3 or 4 days and I could not eat or drink normally. It hurt. Mentally more than physically. Slap a little girl who is only 7 years old that hard? Are you sure that she could fully understand the whole story? But you can be pretty sure that she got hurt and she could never forget it. Never!
He used to think that I am not his child physically. Meaning he thought he was not my father deep in the blood. This maybe the reason why he hit me a lot and he showed out that he hated me when I was a child. Later on, for some reasons that I dont know, he recognized I am really his child, but thanks! The childhood was destroyed and the little girl dead with the childhood full of tears, black and blue and even blood and stiches. I still kept one of scars caused by him and it will help remind me of those things that I have been through.
I got a punch from him again. Well, actually, I got used to this long time ago, so I am not shocked but I think it's time to run away for my own life and I should not be stupid anymore about it. I should not stay the same place for him to come over to hit me any time he wants. No matter what the reason is, he has no right to hit me that way. Normally, when I got hit by him, I usually tried to forget it as soon as possible and he also tried to be nice to me the next days. But later, if there's something happens not following his wants or he doesnt like, he would not be reluctant to hit me again. I got my own decision. I will move out. I just cant stay with him even one more day. I even dont want to see him. When I got home last night, he was trying to be nice to me by giving me a glass of water. But thanks but No thanks. "I'm not thirsty!" I told him. And then I found him getting angry again because I was not nice to him when he offered his kindess. Dont try to heal it then hit it again next time.
What should I think about him? Hate or love? Do I really have to love him just because he us my dad ans though he treated me so badly, but he is still my dad so I still have to love him no matter what he does to me?
At first, I dont know if I should love him or I should hate him. At first, I thought he is the most understanding man in the world that I've ever met. He talked to me and persuaded me to beleive in things, like this is good and this is bad, that I should do this and I should not do that. And many other things. When I found anything among what he told me is not really right according to my point of view and told him that I think this is not good or something against him and not following his ideas, he could be angry, very angry and no less than one time, he bit me black and blue. He said only what he said and thought is right is right! The rest or any other would be wrong. He doesnt care if I would feel or think the same or not. It hurted and hurts, a lot! Everybody around him has to follow him and his idea, no matter how bad it is, no matter how nonsence it is and no matter how wrong it is. If any doesnt? He would be so angry and he said that person is a bad person, very bad! And if he could, he would hit that person with anything in his hand at that time, a knife, a chair, or a bottle of wine, or even just the dishes on the dining table when everybody is having dinner together. If he doesnt have anything hard or just to hold to hit that person, he would use his hands to slap, to hold the person and throw that person to any where he could, to the bed, to the wall, or just to drop off to the ground in a violent way which is hard enough to hurt that person. I remember there was one time, I was at Grade 2, meaning I was about 7 years old that I forgot to complete my homework for school. When he found out, he was angry that he slaped me and the slap was so hard that my blood came out from my mouth and my lips swelled up so badly that I could not go to school for next 3 or 4 days and I could not eat or drink normally. It hurt. Mentally more than physically. Slap a little girl who is only 7 years old that hard? Are you sure that she could fully understand the whole story? But you can be pretty sure that she got hurt and she could never forget it. Never!
He used to think that I am not his child physically. Meaning he thought he was not my father deep in the blood. This maybe the reason why he hit me a lot and he showed out that he hated me when I was a child. Later on, for some reasons that I dont know, he recognized I am really his child, but thanks! The childhood was destroyed and the little girl dead with the childhood full of tears, black and blue and even blood and stiches. I still kept one of scars caused by him and it will help remind me of those things that I have been through.
I got a punch from him again. Well, actually, I got used to this long time ago, so I am not shocked but I think it's time to run away for my own life and I should not be stupid anymore about it. I should not stay the same place for him to come over to hit me any time he wants. No matter what the reason is, he has no right to hit me that way. Normally, when I got hit by him, I usually tried to forget it as soon as possible and he also tried to be nice to me the next days. But later, if there's something happens not following his wants or he doesnt like, he would not be reluctant to hit me again. I got my own decision. I will move out. I just cant stay with him even one more day. I even dont want to see him. When I got home last night, he was trying to be nice to me by giving me a glass of water. But thanks but No thanks. "I'm not thirsty!" I told him. And then I found him getting angry again because I was not nice to him when he offered his kindess. Dont try to heal it then hit it again next time.
What should I think about him? Hate or love? Do I really have to love him just because he us my dad ans though he treated me so badly, but he is still my dad so I still have to love him no matter what he does to me?
posted by Moony at 11:22 a.m.
1 Comments:
Keep up the good work. thnx!
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