Forgiveness and mental freedom.

Almost 10 years ago, someone made a mistake and it took me more than 4 years to find my peace of mind back when I could tell myself "I forgive!" after going through sooo many sleepless nights full of tears, hates, regrets, blames and many many other bad feelings.

When I could find my way to get out of the dark, I realized that it's myself that locked my heart, my soul, my mind and my mental freedom, no one else but myself as all that made me cry and regret and hate and blame was my thinkings and imaginations only. I was holding on what happened for too long and the only thing that feelings could bring me was the hurt. So, in short, it was myself that hurt myself.

On the day that I found the forgiveness for that person, the sun was so shinning and the air could not be fresher. I felt like someone took the heavy weight which has been on my chest for ages away. And now, I can breath, for myself, enjoy the sunlight and the breeze without thinking about what happened anymore. That feeling of freedom made me feel like flying.

But I did not tell that person that I forgave for what Ive been done to. I only told myself. So, deepdown, there was only one person got released, it's me. Time has been flying and I dont know how that person was doing now and I dont care anymore as it's the past and my present has no connection with that ugly past. However, I wished I had had told that person that I forgave then I could free their mind from thinking that I hate them.

And now, almost 10 years later, I had another chance to feel that freedom feeling inside of me, deeply and truly. He made a mistake. We had a fight. Again, tears, hate, regret, blame came to be my friends at night. No sleep, just hanging around with those friends. Imaginations did its work again and funny and ironically, the imagination only brings the bad images and ofcourse it hurts.

It took another period of time to remind and got reminded about the lesson of forgiveness that I learnt long time ago.

And this time, I made a much better decision about the lesson. Well, people get improved by time if they are willing to learn, dont they?

I told him that I forgave for what he's done to me. And to my own surprise, the feeling of freedom came again, fast and fresh as if it was the first time. Hey, old friend, long time no see! Thank you sooooooo much for coming back to me!!!!

This time, I learnt more about the freedom brought by the forgiveness. Thatis when you can forgive someone, it's you forgiving yourself and giving yourself a chance to have a good day and a chance to enjoy every single moment in your life without worrying about what happened, about the past and about what is out of your control. I learnt the 3Cs rule and applying this rule help me to free my own mind and my heart. The 3Cs rule is keep telling yourself that "I didnt cause it, I cant cure it and I cannot control it!" and coming with the rule is the solution for what you have been worrying about :"If you cannot control it, then let it go as no matter what you do or no matter how hard you try, you cannot control it then what you can do with it then?So let it go!"

To learn how to let things that you cannot control go is to learn how to love yourself and care for yourself. And if you care for yourself, you will make every single day go by is a happy day full of laughs and fun. And by living today happily, you are on your way making your whole life happy.

The following poem was not written by me but I found it saying what I want to say. So Thanks to the writer for putting my thinkings into a poem.

FORGIVENESS

(by Brenda Terrell)

When a hurtful word is spoken

Or an unkind deed is done

I always must remember

I am not the only one

Who has ever been mistreated

Stepped upon or pushed aside

By thoughtless harmful actions

Or selfish hateful pride.

The world is full of people

Who purposely abuse

Who lie and cheat and slander

And manipulate and use

Anyone and everyone

Who might get in their way

Of success or fame or power;

No price too big to pay.

God's word is clear and simple

About what I must do

When I have been offended

By friend or foe's misuse:

"Forgive...and be forgiven"

I dare not keep a score--

Seventy times seven

Times seven hundred more.

When I am unforgiving,

The battle I'll not win;

For I need my Father's mercy

To blot out all my sin.

Forgiving is not easy

Yet I know it can be done:

I look to Christ my Savior,

The Holy, Sinless One.

When Jesus died upon the cross

His words rang clear and true,

"Father, please forgive them,

For they know not what they do."

As the Precious Lamb of God

Christ wants me to see:

Forgiving is the power

That sets my spirit free!

Forgiveness is God's wondrous gift

That sets my spirit free!

How to care for a person?

The little boy was a cute disaster for his parents when he made his first step to learn how to walk. His parents then found him too active and they had to keep an eye on him all the time as otherwise, he would break something, he pull something down, or he would play with dangerous or dirty things. He's a nasty boy.

Five years old, he was sent to a kinder garten school and there he was, the real disaster to his teachers and his classmates. He always came home with some injures in his body and his clothes were always full of dirts. Fighting, pinching, jumping, digging... all kinds of nasty things he could do. His parents decided to apply a solution they could think of at that time. If he does not do anything to bother others or hurt himself in seven days, his dad would buy him an electricity car toy which is big enough for him to get in and drive around the house. The boy agreed and his parents were really surprised to see the change from their son.

For seven days, the peace was back for both the house and the class. At school, he was much nicer with his friends, did not do anything too actively. His clothes were not dirty anymore. After school, he just stayed home drawing, lots of green pictures with trees and houses, all green.

Even more to his father's surprise, when he was taken to the toy shop for the car, he refused the car and asked for a three-wheel bike with a little cabin pulling behind it.

He seemd to be another person, a much nicer and more gentle boy. His father found him often went out in Sunday morning with the bike and some fruit or food taken from the fridge. Everything kept going on for one more week and he decided to find out the truth.

He followed his son to the play-ground next door on next Sunday when the boy just left with the bike, some bananas from the fridge and a green picture. Standing behind a big tree, he saw his son stopped at a corner of the play yard and few mins later, a little girl walking to him, sat down on the bike next to the boy and they started eating bananas and enjoying the picture together.

Walking home, the father thinks this is so funny but decided not to tell his wife about their son's love story. The little boy became more and more gentle and nicer. However, he always went out on every Sunday morning and the fruit in the fridge was emptied fast. His father decided it's time for a talk.

The boy started telling his father about his gal:

-Do you really like her? asked his father.

-Yeah, we are classmates and we have our pillows and cups next to each other in the cupboard in the class. When we have a nap at school, I will get her pillow for her as it is put up high there and when we have desert at school she will get my cup for me as I put the cup in the very low storey of the cupboard. She only does small things and I do all the big things.

- Oh, that's cool. asked the father and thinking at the same time "Shit! My wife does all the houseworks at home!"

Then he kept asking his son:
- But you often eat her food at school right?

-Yeah, but because she does not have good teeth so she hates chewing. I always give her my soup then she doesnt have to chew.

-You will be going to primary school next year. You guys may not be going to the same school. Will you miss her?

A worrying look came into the boy's eyes and he was silent for two minutes, thinking of the best solution for his love story, then a smile brightened up his face:
- I will marry her, will you allow me?

At a moment, the father thought "Oh my God! Shit!! Shit!!", but he ended up asking his son:
- Then how would you guys travel around?
- I have the bike and she can sit in the cabin.
- But it would be hard for both of you when you have a baby!

Another silent worrying period for five minutes and the solution still found which really lighted up the boy:

-Ahh, I got it. She will lay an egg and I will send them into mom's freezer. I will work hard to save a lots of money. When we have enough money, she will have a baby from the egg! I will take a good care of her then she will not get tired at all.

The lesson learnt by the father from his own son, from his innocent thinkings but still full of love and cares.

When the man really cares about his woman, he will try his best to do what he can and he will really try to make an effort, no matter how hard to situation is!

Isnt it a great lesson for everybody? It takes an effort!

Deep love and broken trust.

The first girl heard the guy saying: "I love you! I never loved anyone this way! You are so special and not a woman outthere can be as special as you!"

Few months later, the second, this time is a woman heard the same guy saying" I love you and I have never loved anyone this much! You are my soulmate!"

Few months later again, another girl, the third one heard the same guy saying "I love you, I really love you. All the others are the wrong person to me! I really do feel close to you, my body and my soul!"

Such an easy soul to fall in love ehh? Ahh, all of these loves are deep, ironically and sarcastically! Hahahaha!

Can you have a deep love with someone at the same time, not trust that person at all?

Time can do so many things, but the only thing time cannot do is to heal the broken trust!

The trust was put in fake things and then the trust gets hurt from the fake things as a result of trusting in fake things. Sounds stupid ehh?Yeah, it's stupid to trust in fake things for a long time.

Once the trust is gone, it's gone forever. It does not take tears to take it back, it does not take begging to take it back, it does not take time to take it back, it does not take effort to take it back.

So what does it take to take it back then? As the trust is everything that you can live on to have a really happy life!!! Without trust, you have nothing!

The answer is: NOTHING!

NOTHING CAN TAKE THE TRUST BACK AS IT'S GONE FOREVER!

A stain

Something happened and you worked it out and you thought it's over and you will be able to forget it by time.

Then you found out that you are wrong, that you cant forget it and that it's not over yet.

What happened has left something in your mind and no matter what you do or no matter how hard you try, you still find it there, slowly killing your feelings and poisioning your thinkings about bad things that might be happening in the future in the same shape, same type, done by same person and you wake up every morning with that fear and you go to bed every single day with the same fear, thinking about it.

Even better, just only tiny thing can make you relate to what happened and to what has left in your mind.

Questions! You found a brzilion questions about it but you know for sure that you would never have the answer. Or because you dont dare to ask and the reason why you dont dare to ask is because you are scared of a real answer.

Well, so is it safe and smart to keep yourself awake and aware of the realality and stop yourself from getting into another stupid dream which can easily hurt you again like what it did exactly last time?

That's what I call a stain!

Anything else's hidden from me?

Why? Why has that happened? I want to erase that shit out of my head and forget everything about it and feel like nothing has happened.

I hate doing this but I am on the way making some huge decisions about my life and the more I try to make things clear around myself to make sure I will not make any stupid decision at this time as it's soo important to me, the more I think of what has happened.

A krazillion questions killing me at once and my head is exploding with thinkings and feelings.

What should I do? What's real? And what's not? Should I give up or keep going? If I give up, would I regret later that I sent my own real happiness away? Or if I keep going, would I get hurt later with the more lies and the more pains?

What's the best for me now? What else is hiding from me? Anything else that I should know before I make any decision?

There's nothing I can do and no one I can talk to but myself about things going around this. Is there someone out there can help me here? Can anyone out there can clean all the clouds in my eyes and help me see the best way I should go?

Am I crazy or stupid or just doing the right thing?

What's next for me? Big smiles or bitter tears?

I need help more than ever but at the same time, I want to do it by myself like I have always done so far.

The Canada trip

Yes! I made it, the biggest trip in my life ever since.

I went there, I saw snow, I touched snow, I did the snowboard and I ate the snow too (not the yellow one of course!!!) We got there on Thursday late afternoon and his mom came to pick us up. I really had no idea but when I saw her for the first time, I knew I would be crying. I just didn’t know what for but the tears kept coming and I found myself happy to see them - the mother and the son hugging each other and crying together the happy tears. Since the first second I saw her, I knew I would have a great great holiday in this freezing land. That's my first day in Canada.

The second day? I saw a bank robbery!!! I am NOT kidding and I am NOT trying to attract any f&%$ing attention here cos it's true and it happened right in front of my eyes. We were hanging in a branch of a local bank to get some paper work done. Scotty was talking with the teller and I was sitting at the coffee table, reading some magazines and randomly looked up to see Scotty. Once like that, I saw him waving me like hell. I thought there must be something related to me about the bank stuffs so I came over and asked him if I could help something. Simply he said “Just stay close to me!" Oh.. ok! And then when we got things done with the teller, we came close to the entrance door where another work desk of another teller located to ask for some more further information.

Five minutes later, we were done with her. And there were we, on the way to the door to get out of the bank, I got stopped by a lady with the name tag on her breast saying "Office Manager".

- Did you see them all? - simply asked she.

At first, with my broken English, I thought she meant if we got all the questions answered or all the services provided or kind of "Customer Care", so I gave her an even simpler answer:

- Yeah, I saw it all! (COOL EHH? Do I sound Canadian here?)

But Scotty asked her back to verify the situation: What? What's going on?

And here we come the very very very first cultural shock for the little Moon came from the Office Manager in the simplest voice I could ever hear: "The bank just got robbed!"

My eyes opened as widely as they could and so did my mouth. My heart stopped for one sec ( cant be longer as if so, who's writing this, huh?) We left the bank in silence with my eyes still opened and my mouth shut and could not open again in five seconds ( sorry if I disappointed someone here as I am honestly too talkative to keep my beautiful mouth shut for more than 5 secs except for I am sleeping).

At the door, we saw a police car with a policeman in the uniform ( I'm sure it's to tell the robber that "Cops here, you move, I shoot!) coming into the bank. Of course , only the policeman, not both him and the car!!! And my first thing I could say after five seconds of shutting my mouth was "Oh, the police is fast here!". Scotty laughed over his head about that as you have no idea how slow and corrupted the police in Vietnam is. That's my second day!

The weather been so nice until Sunday morning. It snowed since I was sleeping and when I woke up, everything turned into white when I peeped out the window.

Oh my God!!!!!! The snow!!!!The snow!!!! The snow!!!! I jumped off the bed and ran like a 5-year old girl to the door and...and...and...and .....I TOUCHED THE SNOW!!! It's so different!!! Its like touching the snow in the fridge but it's not. It looked so amazing when everything around you so white. Like I was in a fairy tale. I ran everywhere, I touched everything, I felt everything and I tasted the snow. Sooo fresh!!! Like eating the icecream but no flavour though. No wonder why people who gets lost somewhere in the mountains often eats snow when they are hungry and thirsty. I can do that too!!! I like the taste.

I'm thinking of making some ice cream from the snow and all I gotta do is just to add in some flavour and colour to make it look more fun. I dont have to spend my money on making the ice, just mix the snow right in front of my door with some colour and flavour and put all of that mixture into the fridge, and an ice cream is ready right away!!! I will make a lots of money from this "SNOW ICE CREAM INDUSTRY". There we go, business idea!!!

Andy came over and we went out to play with the snow. It was sooooo fun and frozen at the same time!!! I snowboarded from a hill down to the bottom. Ok, well, it's not a hill but to me it is, ok??? And I drew a snow angel which looks pretty like Kalenka (I don’t know if I am spelling the name correctly but she is really cute and the name sounds soooooo....her!!! CUTE!).

When we came back, the house was full of people and when I got into the house with my wet bump from the snow, everybody became silent!! Oh my God! Scared me out there! Please keep talking! I am not that good at communication in front of whole bunch of people who I never met before. SO please please keep talking!!!! But that's just my wish as everybody still became silent and even better (or worse), a lady turned to me and said in a very friendly voice which still made me trembling like a cell phone in the vibration mode: "Hey,we come here to see you, not to see him" God!!! Save my heart!!! 5 mins later, everybody found another Moon In the house, a totally different one. I just could not shut my mouth for any longer and plus everybody was so friendly that I found myself being very open to them and I just could not stop myself from talking and sharing things with them. It was a really nice afternoon actually.

Everything came and went nicely after that. We did a lots of things together with his mom like shopping, visiting uncles and aunties, going to the mountains and swimming In the hotspring. Soo nice!!! I really enjoyed the whole trip and most of what I learnt was from his mom. I think I should call her " the amazing woman" and I will have to write another entry for her.

What else did I do? Ahh, I fed a horse! A real huge one! He ( or she, sorry I don’t remember) almost got my thumb though.

I also got a gift which I liked so much but at the same time, I don’t think it's a good idea to use them in Hanoi as the weather is so bad here. Guess what I got? A pair of cowboy boots!!!! Can you believe that? I love them!!! I can walk to the Moon with them actually! But not in this wet dirty weather in Hanoi though as I really don’t want to destroy them as I love them too much.

Ahh, I got my dream come true too! A sewing machine!!! I been wishing and dreaming about a sewing machine since I was a little girl, watching my mom sewing things for my dad and my sister and myself by her hands. It took her forever to get something done and normally, she was too busy with other works that if she was sewing a summer dress, it would get done when the winter was knocking on the door. And vice versa, if she was trying to get a sweater done for me, It would be ready when everybody wants to wear bikini to work it's too hot out there. I will make lots of things by that machine and my mom would not have to hurt her fingers with the needles any more. I love that machine though it's a bit complicated to learn how to use It perfectly. But I know that I can do It! Easy!!!!

That's it, short and long, my trip to Canada with so many things happened and so many things got learnt. I know that after the trip, I will have to sort things out and make some huge decisions about my next page of my life, but at least it's good to feel and taste something absolutely different from my daily life In Hanoi. And this maybe a good news for someone and for myself too" I love exploring new things in life!!!" Yahoooooooooo!!! Check it out and try it, adventurous girl!!!! I promise that the pics we took there will be posted soon.Now enjoy the Canada flag first ok?